Prior musings have focused on mindful attitudes as tools for mental health and stress management. These attitudes include non-judgmental acceptance, patience and curiosity. Installment 7 focused on the importance of letting go and non-attachment as mindful qualities. This musing will expand on the theme of letting go in a personal way as I recently lost my father.
The passing of a loved one can be perceived as a major opportunity to practise mindfulness. It allows for the complete acceptance and full experience of every emotion and thought that normally occurs with grieving. Shock, sadness, anger, disbelief and a host of other emotions can be cradled in awareness as they swirl like eddies in the stream of consciousness. The calm, centred, aware part of ourselves can remain in the driver’s seat as we make room for and observe these powerful experiences. We can then make clear decisions that help us honour our needs and the needs of fellow-mourners. We can allow the grief to unfold unimpeded with neither avoidance nor exaggeration.
I received the news of my father’s passing the moment I returned from an overseas vacation. My immediate shock was tempered by mindful acceptance, knowing that he died peacefully in his sleep without suffering. This acceptance allowed me to have the calm clarity to handle the ensuing flurry of necessary activity and to be fully present for the funeral and ritual week of mourning.
Staying calm and centred is helpful to those around us. Many people have reactive patterns of behaviour under stress. It is important to not get swept away with the emotional storms of others. Empathy without overreaction may help fellow mourners handle their grief in a more effective way.
Other than our own passing, grief is the ultimate letting go opportunity. We let go of having the deceased involved in our daily lives, but we never need to let go of the memories and influences that remain. These are integral parts of our very fabric. Thoughts and feelings associated with the departed loved one will be triggered for years. What seems important is to honour these emotional events, fully experience them and then let them gently go without pushing or holding on. This will allow return to the present moment, where life truly unfolds.
Loss is inevitable, but suffering is optional. A healthy grieving period may result in eventual renewed clarity and vigour as we adjust mindfully to the new reality of life without an important loved one. Major loss is a large stress wave, but it is possible to ride the wave skillfully. This will honour those that have passed on as well as ourselves, who have the opportunity to carry on as active, aware participants in this world.
Mindful Homework: Reflect on the losses in your life and how you have handled them. Can you view loss as a mindful opportunity? How well can you let go while still honouring memory and influence? Are you able to return again and again to the present moment using purposeful awareness.
For optimal health, one needs to develop self-awareness, have clear health goals, a willingness to make necessary changes and an attitude of openness, acceptance and gratitude.