There are a variety of ways to listen. You will find that some of these styles are old favorites that you can use over and over. Others are held in reserve for certain types of people or situations. This is an opportunity to become more aware of your communication styles at the time you actually use them.
- Attentive listening: The greatest gift that you can give someone is the gift of your attention—being fully present and open to receiving what is being said without speaking, interrupting, interpreting or judging. This involves focusing your attention on the person speaking, not just hearing the words being spoken—listening with the intention of understanding what the other person is truly trying to say.
- Comparing: Comparing makes it hard to listen because you are always trying to assess who is smarter, more competent, more emotionally healthy—you or the other. Some people focus on who has suffered more or who is a bigger victim. With this style of listening, you can not let much in because you are too busy seeing if you measure up.
- Mind Reading: The mind reader does not pay much attention to what people say. In fact, he often distrusts it. He is trying to figure out what the other person is really thinking and feeling. The mind reader pays less attention to words than to intonations and subtle cues in an effort to see through to the truth. If you are a mind reader, you probably make assumptions about how people react to you, e.g. “I bet he is looking at my lousy skin” or “She thinks I’m stupid.”
- Rehearsing: You do not have time to listen when you are rehearsing what to say. Your whole attention is on the preparation and crafting of your next comment. You have to look interested, but your mind is going a mile a minute because you have a story to tell, or a point to make. Some people rehearse whole chains of response: “I’ll say…then he will say…then I will say,” and so on.
- Filtering: When you filter, you listen to some things and not to others. You pay only enough attention to see if somebody is angry, unhappy, or if you are in emotional danger. Once assured that the communication contains none of these things—particularly anything threatening, negative, critical, or unpleasant–it is as if the words were never said: you simply have no memory of them.
- Judging: Negative labels have enormous power. If you prejudge someone as stupid, nuts or unqualified, you do not pay much attention to what they say. You have already written them off. Hastily judging a statement as immoral, hypocritical, fascist, or crazy means you have ceased to listen and have begun a “knee-jerk” reaction. A basic rule of listening is that judgments should only be made after you have heard and evaluated the content of the message.
- Being Right: Being right means you will go to any lengths (twist the facts, start shouting, make excuses or accusations, call up past sins) to avoid being wrong. You cannot listen to criticism, be corrected or take suggestions to change. Addtionally, since you will not acknowledge that your mistakes are mistakes, you just keep making them.
- Dreaming: You are half-listening when something the person says suddenly triggers a chain of private associations. Your neighbor says she has been laid off, and in a flash you are back to the scene where you got fired for playing hearts on those long coffee breaks. You are gone, only to return a few minutes later as your neighbor says: “I knew you would understand, but don’t tell my husband.” You are more prone to dreaming when you feel bored or anxious. If you dream a lot with certain people, it may indicate a lack of commitment to knowing or appreciating them, or you may not value what they have to say very much.
- Advising: You are the great problem solver, ready with help and suggestions. You don’t have to hear more than a few sentences before you begin searching for the right advice. However, while you are cooking up suggestions, and convincing someone to “just try it”, you may miss what is most important. You did not hear the feelings, and you did not acknowledge the person’s pain. He or she still feels basically alone because you could not listen and just be there.
- Sparring: This block has you arguing and debating with people. The other person never feels heard because you are so quick to disagree. In fact, a lot of your focus is on finding things to disagree with. You take strong stands, are very clear about your beliefs and preferences. One subtype of sparring is the put-down. You use acerbic or sarcastic remarks to dismiss the other person’s point of view. A second type of sparring is discounting. Discounting is for people who cannot stand compliments. “Oh I did not do anything…what do you mean? Or, “I was totally lame…it’s nice of you to say, but it’s really a poor attempt”. This basic technique of discounting is to run yourself down when you get a compliment. Consequently, the other person never feels satisfied that you really heard his appreciation. And he is right—you didn’t.
- Derailing: This listening block is accomplished by suddenly changing the subject. You derail the train of conversation when you get bored or uncomfortable with a topic. Another way of derailing is by joking it off. This means that you continually respond to whatever is said with a joke or quip in order to avoid the discomfort or anxiety in seriously listening to the other person.
- Placating: Responding with words like: “right…; absolutely…; I know…; of course you are…; incredible…; yes..; or really?” You want to be nice, pleasant, supportive. You want people to like you, so you agree with everything. You may half-listen, just enough to get the drift, but you are not really involved. You are placating rather than tuning in and examining what is being said.