Prior musings have outlined a method of optimizing physical, mental and spiritual health by focusing on self-care and embracing the mindful attitudes of non-judgmental acceptance, patience, curiosity, trust, non-striving and letting go.
Relationships with family members are a common source of stress. We may be disappointed by certain behaviours and hold expectations that are often dashed. Close relatives can be experts at triggering our negative reactions. Anger, disappointment, guilt, shame and frustration are common. If we can apply mindful attitudes to these chronic stresses, we are likely to improve our relationships and well-being.
The first step in improving relationships is having a clear goal free of past hurts,“shoulds”, “what ifs” and catastrophic fears. Most of us want mutual love, respect and communication in our relationships. If there are chronic challenges we can only change OUR side of the equation, fair or not. It is not about perceived fairness, it is about achieving real change for the better. To improve relationships old patterns must be recognized and altered. Forgiveness and empathy are important no matter what has occurred in the past. Insanity has been defined as doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting a different result! If we constantly keep the big picture goal of a positive relationship we can react less to negative triggers and gradually improve the situation.
When skillfully employed, the mindful attitudes of non judgment, acceptance, patience,trust and curiosity are very helpful. When triggered by a stressful situation, instead of saying something you may regret, simply stop, breathe and take a self-observing stance. Employ curiosity about where and how you experience the trigger. Is it a stomach knot, muscle tension, anger? How intense is it? Does it feel hot, tingly, vague or sharp? Touching reactions with curiosity and patience will allow the strong negative experience to dissipate. Attempting to communicate when upset usually results in digging a deeper relationship hole.
Judging less and accepting what is occurring, even if it unpleasant, helps direct energy to problem solving. When we can accept a situation, even when disagreeing with it, we are not passively acquiescing, but using discernment to separate the emotional reaction from the facts.
After relative calm has been restored, then responding with an “I feel…” statement is helpful. (see musing 13). Ensure that the other person is available and willing to hear you out. State what you need to in a calm assertive way. This puts the communication ball in the other person’s court. You can be at ease knowing you did your best to communicate without escalating the problem. Now it is up to the other person to work with you or not.
If there has been a long history of conflict, it may take a long time for improvement. The mindful attitudes of patience and trust can be useful. Short, clear, repeated messages without defensive, long explanations are helpful. Focus just on the present moment situation, how it makes you feel and how you would like things to change. Ask the other person if they can help you. Focusing on the present moment reduces the risk of dredging up the past with its strong negative emotions that interfere with moving towards the goal of improved relationships.
We have no control over external factors, especially in our relationship to others. We can only control OUR reaction or response. Does a mindful attitude and clear communication guarantee success? Absolutely not, but it does greatly improve the chances. When we choose to calmly accept a present moment challenge from any source and respond instead of react, we increase the likelihood of optimizing a situation. If the relationship fails to improve we may suffer less knowing that we did our best. We can enjoy better mental, emotional and spiritual health moment to moment.
Mindful homework:
Examine your close relationships with increased awareness. Are you communicating effectively? Are you repeating long standing negative habits or getting triggered easily?
Are you willing to let go of the past and focus on the present with a “zoomed out” big picture perspective?
Can you focus less on “being right”, “shoulds” and “what ifs” for the sake of long term relationship improvement?
Perhaps journal the improvements and learn from any setbacks, while treating yourself and others with patience and kindness.