Afraid of turning into an unmotivated slob? Ask yourself, how well does my self-criticism motivate me? How do I feel when I motivate myself with criticism? And do I do more work as a result? Threatening ourselves is a lousy way to motivate ourselves. It undermines our confidence and leads us to fear failure. Motivating ourselves with self-compassion, however, is like having a supportive coach with us, one who cares about our health and wellbeing for the long haul, who knows that it doesn’t really matter whether we “win,” it’s about being in the game with integrity and feeling good about ourselves. Self-compassion makes it safer to make mistakes because our inner critic is not going to beat us up if we fail, so we are more motivated to try to succeed. Research has found that people who are self-compassionate have high standards for themselves, and encourage themselves in positive ways to work towards their goals.
Misgivings about self-compassion
It’s not uncommon for us to come across some hurdles when we contemplate practicing self-compassion. We might think that it will turn us unto unmotivated slobs, who will never get anything done if we just love ourselves. We might fear that we’ll lose our edge, becoming a weak target for others to take advantage of us. Or we might simply worry about who we’ll be if we change our approach to ourselves.
Here’s the beautiful bit – research has shown that none of these things happen when we start being more self-compassionate!
Some misgivings about self-compassion include that:
it will make me self-indulgent
it’s a form of self-pity
it makes me selfish.
Self-compassion does not encourage us to continually indulge ourselves because its focus is our long-term wellbeing, not short-term gratification; self-compassion remembers that we all suffer, so we don’t feel singled out in our suffering, and it also helps us to see our situation mindfully, lessening our tendency to wallow in self-pity; and self-compassion includes us in our circle of compassion – connecting us rather than separating us from our brothers and sisters in humanity – leaving no need for the separation and protection of selfishness. Research shows that self-compassionate people are more likely to make healthy choices like visiting the doctor and exercising. It also shows that people who have self-compassion are more caring and supportive in relationships, more likely to compromise in relationship conflicts, and are more compassionate towards others.
Worried about becoming a spineless target for others to take advantage of? Self-compassion is a fierce protector because it cares about our long-term wellbeing. It doesn’t allow people to hurt us because we care for ourselves the way we would for a dear friend. You know what you’d do to protect your closest friends – self-compassion rallies this courage to protect ourselves in the same way. Research shows that self-compassionate people are better able to cope with difficult life situations like divorce, trauma or chronic pain, because they do what they can to take care of themselves with wisdom and kindness.
Concerned about losing your sense of self? This is a biggie. Who will I be if I start being kind to myself? How many old habits, old ways of being, old relationships, will be lost if I start to tend to my own needs? Self-compassion is concerned with your long-term wellbeing, which means it identifies what isn’t working for you right now. Some of your coping mechanisms started from very innocent origins, and were the best way you knew to deal with difficulty at the time, but you’ve outgrown them. Self-compassion helps you to identify these, and then offers the courage to make any necessary changes.
So what are you waiting for? There’s no better time to start being more compassionate to yourself than right now!