FORGIVENESS
The central point of forgiveness practice is that we can’t forgive wihout first opening to our pain–opening to how hurt we still fee. Self-compassion gives us the strength to open to pain.
There are five steps to forgiveness:
Opening to pain
Self-compassion
Understanding
Intention to forgive
Self-care
Forgiving Others
Think of a person who has caused you pain who you might be able to forgive.
Choose a specific event in that relationship that was mildly disturbing.
Remember the details as vividly as possible, getting in touch with the pain this person caused you; perhaps even feeling it in your body.
Validate the pain, as if you were speaking to a dear friend: “Of course you feel this way. You were hurt!” “This hurts!”
Keep giving yourself compassion, perhaps by putting a hand over your heart or elsewhere, and allowing kindness to stream through your hand into your body. Or, offer yourself self-compassion phrases such as “May I be safe.” “May I be strong.” “May I be kind to myself.”
Ask yourself, “Am I ready to forgive this person?” If not, please keep giving yourself compassion.
If you are truly ready to forgive, see if you can understand the forces that made this person act badly. Recognize that it’s only human to make mistakes. Consider if there were any environmental factors that influenced what happend–factors beyond yourself and this person; beyond your current understanding.
For example, was he or she under a lot of stress at the time? Or, were there any difficulties that shaped this person’s personality? (e.g., financial stress, difficult childhood, low self-esteem, cultural factors).
In some cases, people are just trying to live their own lives with authenticity and integrity, and we come into conflict. Not matter what factors contributed to your pain, it is still real pain.
When you are ready, begin to offer forgiveness to the other person, perhaps saying the phrase: “May I begin to forgive you for what you have done, wittingly or unwittingly, to have caused me pain.” (repeat slowly, as often as you like)
If it feels right, make a contract with yourself. Decide not to be hurt like this again, not by this person or anyone else; at least to the best of your ability.
Forgiving Ourselves
Think of an event that you regret and would like to forgive yourself for. It could be related to the person in the previous exercise, or a different person. Again, please choose a relatively easy solution.
Take a few moments to consider how your actions impacted the other person, and allow yourself to feel some guilt or remorse for the pain you may have caused. This may take some courage.
It can help to let yourself feel the body sensations associated with guilt or remorse–making space for the physical experience of guilt and remorse.
If you feel you acted wrongly, recognize that it is part of being human to make mistakes; even shame is part of every human experience.
Offer yourself compassion for how you’ve suffered, perhaps saying: “May I be kind to myself.” “May I accept myself as I am.” If you like, put a hand on your heart or elsewhere, and allow kindness to flow through your hand into your body.
If it feels like you need to stay here, keep giving yourself compassion.
If you feel ready, try to understand what led to your mistake. Take a moment to consider if there were any environmental factors impacting you at the time. For instance, were you under a lot of stress? Or were certain aspects of your personality triggered in an irrational way; old buttons pushed? Take a moment to look beyond yourself and your personal interpretation of this situation.
Maybe you didn’t actually make a mistake, and were just trying to live your life in the best way you knew how?
See if you can give forgiveness to yourself, saying the phrase: “May I begin to forgive myself for what I have done, wittingly or unwittingly, to have caused this person pain.” (repeat slowly, as often as you like).
If it feels right, resolve not to hurt anyone in this manner again; at least to the best of your ability.