MEETING UNMET NEEDS
This exercise is designed to transform hard feelings, especially anger, in current and past relationships.
Close your eyes and think of an old relationship that you still feel angry or bitter about. It’s important for this exercise that you choose a realtionship in which your anger no longer serves a purpose, and you are ready to let it go.
Next, choose a specific event in that relationship that was mild to moderately disturbing, but not traumatizing. Remember the details as vividly as possible, getting in touch with your anger and feeling in your body.
Know that it’s completely natural for your to feel as you do. Perhaps say to yourself, “I’ve been hurt…of course I feel angry!” Or perhaps, “What happened to me was wrong!”
Soft Feelings
Begin to strip away the anger and resentment–the hard feelings–and see what’s underneath:
Are there any soft feelings behind the hard feelings?:
– Hurt?
– Scared?
– Lonely?
– Sad?
When you have identified a soft feeling, try naming it for yourself in a gentle, understanding voice, as if you were supporting a friend.
Unmet Needs
When you’re ready, see if you can release the person who hurt you, if only for a minute, and take an even deeper dive into your own experience:
What unmet human needs may lie beneath your soft feelings? The need to be:
– Seen?
– Heard?
– Safe?
– Connected?
– To be special?
– Loved?
Responding with Compassion
Whatever you are feeling is quite natural. All human beings have these needs.
If you like, try putting your hand over your heart (or elsewhere), and give yourself some warmth and kindness; not to make the feelings go away, but just because these feelings arise.
Imagine a scenario in which a dear friend expressed the same needs as you? What would you say to your friend?
– If you could leave your friend with a simple message, what would that be? (pause)
– Can you offer the same message to yourself?
Perhaps you can meet your deepest needs even more directly?
– If you felt unloved, perhaps the compassionate part of you could say, “I love you.”
– If you felt unseen, the compassionate part might say, “I see you.”
– If you felt alone, perhaps you can tell yourself, “I’m here for you.”
In other words, give to yourself right now what you may have been hoping to receive from someone else for a long, long time.
Now let go of the exercise, and simply rest in your experience. Let this moment be exactly as it is, and yourself exactly as you are.
Gently open your eyes.