Once you become more aware of your own experiences (including your thoughts and feelings), you have the opportunity to share this with others—with more clarity—if you wish to.
Expressing yourself to others can be done in three ways: aggressively, non-assertively or assertively.
Aggressive communication involves dominating the other person. It is giving the message that your thoughts and feelings are more important than the other person’s, and it shows disrespect. Aggression often involves getting what you want at someone else’s expense. The consequence may be feeling guilty, or it may produce anger or fear in the other person.
Non-assertive communication involves being submissive to the other person. It is giving the message that the other person’s thoughts and feelings are more important than yours. They matter; you don’t. The consequence is usually anger or resentment on the part of the non-assertive person, and the other person may feel pity, disrespect and possibly also irritation or anger.
Assertive communication, on the other hand, involves taking a position equal to that of the other person. It is giving the message that your thoughts, feelings and needs are as important as the other person’s—no more and no less. The consequences are mutual respect, cooperation, better communication and increased self-esteem.
Assertiveness is very different from aggression. Assertiveness involves the open, honest and direct communication of your thoughts, feelings and needs, while respecting the thoughts, feelings and needs of others. Assertiveness does not mean being insensitive. On the contrary, it entails having empathy for the other person’s experience. Assertiveness involves having compassion for yourself, as well as others, equally.
You can see how mindfulness can help you with all of this. It cultivates an awareness and acceptance of your own thoughts and feelings, and allows you to take responsibility for your own experience. From a position of greater clarity and insight, you can learn to have more compassion for yourself as well as for others as you mindfully and assertively share your experience.
The following mindful tool, F.R.E.E. may help you to remember the principles of assertiveness:
| Figure out what you’re thinking and feeling, | |
| Take | Responsibility for your own thoughts an feelings, |
| Express your thoughts and feelings in an open, honest, direct way, and | |
| Give | Empathy for the other person’s thoughts and feelings. |