SOFTEN-SOOTHE-ALLOW
There are 3 components to this exercise: (1) labeling emotions, (2) mindfulness of emotion in the body, and (3) soften-soothe-allow. These components can be practiced individually or together. They can also be practiced in daily life, or as a reflective meditation.
Place your hand on your heart, or another soothing place, for a few moments to remind yourself that you are in the room, and that you, too, are worthy of kindness.
Let yourself recall a mild to moderately difficult situation that you are in right now, perhaps a health problem, stress in a relationship, or a loved one in pain. Do not choose a very difficult problem, or a trivial problem—choose a problem that can generate a little stress in your body when you think of it.
Clearly visualize the situation. Who was there? What was said? What happened?
Labeling Emotions
Now that you’re thinking about this situation, see if you can name the different emotions that arise within you:
– Anger?
– Sadness?
– Grief?
– Confusion?
– Fear?
– Longing?
– Despair?
– Shame?
Now see if you can name the strongest emotion—a difficult emotion— associated with that situation.
Repeat the name of the emotion to yourself in a gentle, understanding voice, as if you were validating for a friend what he or she is feeling: “That’s longing.” “That’s grief.”
Mindfulness of Emotion in the Body
Expand your awareness to your body as a whole.
Recall the difficult situation again, and scan your body for where you feel it most easily. In your mind’s eye, sweep your body from head to toe, stopping where you can sense a little tension or discomfort.
Choose a single location in your body where the feeling expresses itself most strongly, perhaps as a point of muscle tension, an achy feeling, or a heartache.
In your mind, incline gently toward that spot.
Soften-Soothe-Allow
Now, soften into that location in your body. Let the muscles soften and allow them to relax, as if in warm water. Softening…softening…softening… Remember that we’re not trying to change the feeling—we’re just holding it in a tender way.
If you wish, just soften a little around the edges.
Next, soothe yourself because of this difficult situation.
If you wish, place your hand over the part of your body that feels uncomfortable, and just feel the warmth and gentle touch of your hand. Perhaps imagine warmth and kindness flowing through your hand into your body; maybe even thinking of your body as if it were the body of a beloved child. Soothe…soothe…soothe.
Are there some comforting words that you might need to hear? If so, imagine you had a friend who was struggling in the same way. What would you say to your friend? (“I’m so sorry you feel this way.” “I care deeply about you.”)
Can you offer yourself a similar message? (“Oh, it’s so hard to feel this.” “May I be kind to myself.”
If needed, feel free to open your eyes whenever you wish, or let go of the exercise and just feel your breath.
Finally, allow the discomfort to be there. Make room for it, and release the need to make it go away.
Allow yourself to be just as you are. Just like this. If only for this moment.
Soften…soothe…allow. Soften,.soothe, allow.